Lonely in a crowd

Parties. Love them or hate them? If I know people who will be there, I’m happy to go. Once I’m there, I can expect one of the following outcomes. It’ll be a great bonding time with friends, and social energy well spent…or I could be watching everyone having fun together, wondering how they click so easily, and not knowing how to join in.

To start with, I have more friends now than I ever had growing up, and I’m so grateful for what they’ve done for me. But I’ve been to a few social occasions lately, and during one where I was watching the others talk, laugh, and have fun, it kind of hit me how lonely Asperger’s Syndrome can be. I can, and usually do, get on well with people individually, but it’s so frustrating still not knowing how to really get noticed in a group.

I mean, tripping over a step in front of over 10 people this summer got me noticed. But possibly not for the right reasons.

I’ve blogged about Asperger’s and groups. I’ve also, in a fit of uncharacteristic optimism, covered what’s good about the condition. What makes it so lonely at times?

Most of the time, I don’t even know what I’m not picking up on from other people. Experts would say non-verbal communication. Or lack of eye contact. Or needing alone time when it gets too draining. I know. I’ve heard it all before. Whatever it is, it can make people think I’m not interested. And that’s really hard.

You know the saying “three’s a crowd?” Couldn’t have said it better myself. Threes always make me anxious. No two members of the group will have the same relationship dynamics, and you can bet two people are closer to each other than the remaining one. Fair or not, it’s only natural, and I don’t know how not to be that awkward third person. At least if you feel invisible in a big group, it’s understandable when there are so many others to talk to. When you’re one of only two people for someone to bond with and they still prefer the other person? Dispiriting, to say the least.

One of my biggest insecurities – no matter how kind people are – is the thought of being the one who always needs help, but has nothing to contribute. You need help understanding what’s happening. You get confused by too much going on, or too many instructions. Occasionally you’ll say something inappropriate that seems logical to you. It’ll always take longer for you to learn to read people. I’ve heard these things over and over, and trust me, it would be an easier burden to bear if they weren’t true.

I know it all sounds a bit negative. But hey, we all get lonely, and sometimes the best way to reach out to others is to share your struggles. I don’t sugarcoat these things. Or exaggerate. Nor am I asking for special treatment. I’m just being real. And if you have similar worries, I hope this helps.

 

 

Advertisements

The digital age – smarter, better, faster, stronger

Does such easy access to technology make us smarter? This was a long-car-journey-thought of mine ages ago. People believe we’re cleverer than ever before. There’s more knowledge and news circulating, and doing so more easily than even a generation ago. So there’s definitely some truth in that.

I don’t think it started in this generation, either. The main reason TV, radio, and the telephone took off so quickly was because people were gaining access to news. Since then, inventions like that have been upgraded over and over, with new inventions being added to the mix. Now we can scroll through Facebook like our own self-updating newspaper, only better, because it (mostly) caters to our interests, and includes friends’ news, as well as general headlines. Phones aren’t just communication devices – you can take pictures with them, count your steps with them, beat them at checkers even on the hardest level, hehe… You really have to marvel at the brains behind technology.

A common complaint about so much digital entertainment, social media, etc. is that we are forgetting how to use our brains. I can believe that; kids these days are given iPads, phones, computers to play with, when the whole point of toys and pretend games are to help them develop their brains.

And it doesn’t stop there. If I’m bored, it’s tempting to see what’s available on YouTube or Netflix, especially if I’m supposed to be doing something else. We can spend so much time procrastinating online, that we have less time for reading, hobbies, or going out. And, more worryingly, achieving our goals.

There’s no harm in having fun with our devices. But they don’t have to stop you from having a mind of your own, and a productive life. And, for many people, they don’t. Ironically, I’m hoping I’m one of them, while sitting behind a computer trying not to get sidetracked by Facebook.

Being able to communicate so freely is a double edged sword. I’ll start with what I do like about it. For a start, staying in touch is easier than ever. If I want to catch up with someone, or even just ask how they are, I only have to whip out my phone. It’s not the same as actually seeing them – I mean, you can’t hug them (!!!) – but if one of you needs emotional support, the other person is only a few clicks away.

Not forgetting how quickly you can make yourself, and your work, known. As if to prove this point, I am currently writing this blog post about it, which I plan on sharing to my millions thousands hundreds 150 or so page fans.

One thing that scares me about the internet is just how easily people tear each other down. There’s always been too much negativity flying around. Now we can hide behind a screen and a profile picture, and say what we like about that trashy celebrity, or that guy who disagreed with a comment we made. Something YouTubers like to do is find an entertaining way to show off all the hate comments they get, and I envy their ability to laugh it off. But why do people get such a kick out of spreading hate so freely?

When communicating publicly online, perhaps the trick is to ask ourselves if what we are saying is in any way kind or helpful. If not, then is it really necessary?

To my future employer…

My internship is over, and once again, I am fervently applying for jobs. I think of it as being like uni coursework, except you get either no feedback, or negative feedback, in response. Pretty dispiriting.

My parents advise me to mention on any job applications that I have Asperger’s, and to explain how that affects me. My former boss says to just mention it if the topic comes up naturally. And I do worry that mentioning it too much puts people off. But I also worry that if I don’t explain properly, people won’t understand. Which got me thinking: what do employers need to know?

Having Asperger’s does not stop me from being relational. I’m not allergic to people. I want customers/clients to get the best out of whatever I am helping to offer. I want my colleagues to have a good working day, and I love it when I make friends in the working environment. Basically, I care about the people I work with, and I will go the extra mile for them.

I thrive when I can work on something carefully and meticulously. I’m happy to do jobs most people find boring, if I know what to do. I want to to my job, and do it perfectly – whatever it is. If a job needs doing, and the expectations are clear, I will focus hard until it is done. Simple.

Being on the spectrum means I am less expressive. Sometimes I don’t come across as interested or enthusiastic as I feel, and I may not know how best to show it. I also find it harder to pick up on non verbal communication, and if I knew exactly what that was, then I wouldn’t find it so hard. I think I’m being normal, then somehow everyone around me just “gets” each other, and I’m left wondering what I’m missing.

I like to know what is happening, and what any plans are. Apparently more so than most people. If everything’s happening quickly, and lots of people are talking, I know I keep asking what’s happening, or what we’re about to do, and even if it seems repetitive, I really appreciate a clear explanation.

When explaining my struggles, the most important thing is understanding. If I need help, or something to be done differently, I will say so. For issues like the points above, however, the most helpful thing is to simply remember them, rather than thinking I’m weird or helpless.

Some pretty basic points here, but crucial too, I think. Looking for a job too? What would you add to the list? And if you’re already employed, is there anything you wish your employer or colleagues understood?