Life in the flat has been going pretty well overall, but right now I am at a bit of a low point. I try to be careful about posting depressing things on the internet because I know this can be attention seeking, so if I come across like that, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to.
For a start, my stepdad rang me yesterday to tell me our elderly ginger cat Thomas was going to be put down due to kidney failure. We adopted Thomas in June 2010 from a vet nurse who had saved him from being put down by the RSPCA who was unable to take care of him. Since then, he has survived much, eaten much, loved much and been loved very much in return. He was so outgoing, he was the perfect icebreaker whenever we had people over for the first time. He had what I always called “Puss in Boots” eyes – the way he would stare at someone while they were eating was the spitting image of the cat in Shrek. Then there were so many times when he nearly died, then didn’t, I can’t quite believe that this is the last time. I went back to say goodbye yesterday evening, and by 11 this morning he was gone.
Aside from Thomas dying, life in general seems to be getting on top of me at the moment. Maybe it will feel easier as the grief passes, maybe it will feel easier once I get on top of my work. I have four assignments due in before Christmas, possibly more Demon articles and am struggling to get to grips with various adult life skills. In some ways the last part hasn’t been too hard. In others, all the little mistakes I’ve made have made me feel like a bit of a failure at adult life. Apart from anything I’ve been trying to figure out for a while now why my self confidence crashes so hard when I don’t meet the standards I (or others) set for myself. Being sensitive is supposed to be a good trait, but it can be a double edged sword at times.
In short, I am having one of those days where it’s all getting a bit much. I spent most of last night staring tearfully at the ceiling feeling like a scared child as everything threatened to overwhelm me. Not good. Normally I try really hard on my blog to sound interesting, eloquent or at least vaguely funny. But recently I have come across blogs (including vlogs) where the main message is: it’s ok to be sad. I can fight back the urge to cry until I turn blue, but that doesn’t change the fact that there is no point pretending life is perfect. I’m not good at being open with my emotions, so am trying to be more so. Because in the long run, letting yourself be unhappy, cry, talk to loved ones, etc. not only gets the emotions off your chest, but also, to an extent, shows those close to you that crying, sadness and bad days are all a part of life.
So to conclude, I will try to make future blog posts more entertaining, and hopefully things will feel better soon. I’m generally very grateful for the good things in my life, both recent and longer term, and am hoping I can express myself more easily in writing than face-to-face conversation. I still managed to get this image of Thomas and Lionel seeing each other up there and thinking “Not you again!” In the meantime, I am just praying that God, Grannie and all previously deceased pets receive Thomas well.